Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I'm Not Done.

I wasn't going to go for a run tonight.

I stayed late at work - which is ridiculous lately - and came home feeling exhausted. I figured I'd just get caught up on some online business, and then sink in to watch some shitty TV and maybe do some reading.

Every so often it just takes one little thing to throw off your whole evening. My mood has been dipping a little as we get closer to the end of the month; Halloween remains my favourite holiday, but it's undeniable that one year ago it marked the breaking point of a whole MESS of shit that left me mired in a depressed state for months afterwards. Honestly, it was probably the worst point of my adult life - every day was grey, I'd cry for no reason and be unable to stop, and it was the only time I have ever been able to comprehend why people might want to harm themselves bodily.

Anyway, I found myself suddenly upset in that you only ever are when you let shit build up, and I decided that instead of moping I'd run down to the ocean and back. I did, getting more and more pissed as I did so. I got to the water very quickly, and sat down alone on a dock. Anger dissipated, and instead I found myself near tears.

Before I could get to weeping, an older dude with a bike approached and asked if I'd seen any empty bottles or cans. I replied I had not, and he asked if I knew of anywhere in the city that did hiring - he was from back East and had been in Vancouver three months with no job. He was not drunk or high or aggressive. He was a sheet metal worker named James. I directed him as best I could to the job centre downtown (which was not very well, I'm afraid) and we parted ways.

That's a dude with REAL problems. Who happens to have the same name as two of my deceased grandfathers.

On the run back I felt no anger, no sadness. Some cute dude in a suit on a bike asked for directions, then asked if I was running. "Yup, but not well," said I, so he rode along beside me til he reached the pizza joint, yelling, "you can do it!"

We do not always get to choose how things work out for us. I am privileged to be working at a job that I enjoy, and living in an apartment and area that I adore. I have good friends, and a wonderful family. I am physically in the best shape I've been in since my mid twenties, and my mind is alert. I have unconventional hobbies, but they mean a great deal to me as I am uninterested in leading a life unexamined.

I am not at the mercy of every little annoyance. Not tonight, not anymore.

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