Thursday, August 23, 2012

Tits McGee

The other night, my friend Tranny Zuko poked at a bubble in my shirt.

"What is that?" he asked.

"...double-boob," I sighed.

That's when your bra caused a little hump of flesh where your breast spills out of your cup. It's not supposed to happen, but when you've got giant boobs? It happens. A lot.

Know what else happens? Nearly suffocating yourself during pilates.

I've been working out steadily for months now, and I've dropped weight everywhere but my chest. I feel stronger, and better, but... AGH, the boobs! So I made a decision: on Tuesday, I'm talking to my doctor about breast reduction surgery.

Every since making the decision and talking to my sister and mother, it's just been like... I want it done NOW. Now now now! Yes, I know you can't do jack shit for a week after, and yeah, it takes between one and two months before you can 'do sports' or whatever, and it can take a year before your boobs get totally settled... I don't care. I just keep looking down and going, "goddamn, you could FIT THINGS AND NOT SUFFOCATE ME."

As a burlesque performer, a lot of people have seen my boobs. Duh. And honestly, part of my resistance to the idea of surgery is a result of being in the burlesque scene. For one thing? People know me by my breasts. When I've mentioned before to people that they annoy me, I get a lot of, "but you have the perfect boobs!" and so on and so forth. Yeah, sure, perfect if you don't want to DO shit.

You can't get cheap bras to turn into show bras. You hear the other girls all, "I got it on sale for ten bucks!" as they gleefully rhinestone their multi-coloured underthings. They get to fit the cute normal-sized pasties. And dance moves? When you have two huge fat sacks on your front, doing certain moves is really hard, or downright impossible.

Burlesque is an interesting subculture because it's sexual, but also filled with feminists. Burlesque performers are encouraged to feel beautiful regardless of body shape. So in a weird way, getting a tit job also feels like a betrayal to that spirit. You're changing your body. That's not a core value in burlesque. (At least not in the circles I run in.)

And of course, there's scarring. That's a concern, if only because I wonder if for the rest of my life people will assume I got implants. Because let's face it - even with a reduction, I'll still be busty. ...but I won't be a fucking I cup anymore.

But ultimately? It's my body. And the health and mental benefits will be immeasurable. So.

And goddamn am I going shopping after. FOR PRETTY BRAS.

6 comments:

  1. I had a breast reduction right before my first year of college. Mainly because one was more than a cup size bigger than the other and it was so glaringly obvious that you had to hold me down to pose for a picture (now my excuse is that I'm fat and pale, but that's another story). Because of my health problems the whole thing was a fiasco - but I'd do it again in a heart beat. The only tip I have is to get it done when the weather's cold - I had to keep the bandages on for a while and the last thing you need are sweaty boob bandages.

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    1. Sweaty Boob Bandages is my new band name.

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  3. Have you checked out Change at all? My wife finds that they have good bras non-fugly bras for the larger sizes, Metrotown, and Cambie/8th are the ones I know of.

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    1. That's the only place I can shop, yup. I even have the discount card. Sadly some of the cuter seasonal bras stop at I think a G.

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    2. Yeah the wife's an H so unless she does the up band/down cup she's got to go with the less cute bras.

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