M is for Movies

A belated entry for the Pagan Blog Project.

I watch a lot of horror movies. And I mean a lot; I was for years the video clerk who would pray for teenagers to come in an ask, "what's a REALLY scary movie?" so that I could mind rape them with cinema.

Consequently, I have seen a lot of witch movies, or movies with occult or pagan themes. There are the obvious ones, of course: The Craft, Practical Magic, the Witches of Eastwick, Bewitched, the Wicker Man, Hocus Pocus, Skeleton Key, Rosemary's Baby, maybe even Suspiria... You can basically expect these films to be on everyone's 'witch list' for Halloween viewing.

So I'm not going to bother talking about them. You've probably already seen them, and have your own opinion on how accurate or irritating they are. No, I'm going to talk about some of the more often overlooked cinematic, er, gems...

Rawhead Rex:

Based on a short story by Clive Barker, this is the tale of a bloodthirsty pagan god that goes on a killing spree in a small Irish village. The monster (er, god?) is basically a giant dick. No, I'm serious. In the short story it's the male principle run amok, a concept that's not really made explicit in the film, which is more concerned with having what looks like a wrestler in a rubber monster suit attack people. Also it's (spoiler) defeated by Vagina Power. No, I'm not kidding.

Why you should watch it: You'll never see another movie where a priest begs for a golden shower from a giant dick monster. I promise.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation:

The first Silent Night, Deadly Night was about a killer Santa. The sequel is famous for forever making "garbage day!" something funny. The third... was that the one with the guy's brain exposed? Doesn't matter. The FOURTH movie in the series has jack-shit to do with Santa and instead is about a coven of witches who have sex with giant bugs on Christmas as part of some pagan worship thing.

At least, I think. I saw this movie when I was in my late teens, and I remember being fucking outraged. So naturally now I would punch an old lady to get my hands on a copy of the bloody thing. To make sure I didn't hallucinate the whole bugsex thing, I just went to the Wikipedia article (I love the internet) and saw that, nope, I was right. Here's some quotes:

"...She settles down on the kitchen table to eat dinner and flips open the book Fima loaned her. The page she randomly arrives at is titled "The Spiral: Symbol of Women's Power". Kim glances at her plate of noodles and notices that they are arranged in a vague spiral...
The page she randomly lands on is titled "The Fire of Lilith" and it depicts a woman whose lower half is engulfed in flames. Kim glances down at the plate of spaghetti on the floor. The spaghetti is now arranged in a flame-like pattern."

I have no memory of the mystic spaghetti motif, but I think I love it.

Basically the film winds up being about Lilith, the 'first wife' of Adam, and female empowerment. ...with bugs. I don't know, but seeing that Brian Yuzna directed it? It suddenly makes more sense.

Why you should watch it: So you can tell me where to find a copy.

Angel Heart:

One of the best supernatural films ever made. Hands down. Not only is Mickey Rourke still hot in it, but it's one of those movies that's not ruined by the fact that Robert DeNiro is so obviously the devil. It's an old-fashioned detective story that incorporates voodoo and occultism in a very clever manner.

Angel Heart is a slow-burn of a film that pays off beautifully at the end, one of those movies that will stick with you long after you've watched it.

Why you should watch it: Besides Lisa Bonet's tits? There's little nods to famous occultists (one of the characters goes by the alias 'Edward Kelly') and a pretty neutral depiction of some voodoo/hoodoo practices. (The DVD includes interviews with practitioners, which is kind of cool.)


Haxan:

God bless Sweden. They gave us Alexander Skarsgard, and they gave us this movie. It's a silent film (making it perfect to put on at Halloween parties for atmosphere) that explores witchcraft through the ages up until what was then modern times. It's described as documentary, but I feel that term must be used loosely, mostly because of this guy:

The film covers a lot of the material from the Malleus Maleficarum, and discusses some of the brutal methods used by the witch hunters of the time. It also has crazed nuns, which is always a bonus.

Why you should watch it: Uhm. DUH.

Season of the Witch:

Not to be confused with the shitty Nick Cage film, this is one of George A. Romero's other low-budget horror films, back before he decided to do all-zombies, all-the-time. It's not going to win any awards or anything, and the budget was clearly minuscule, but for all of that this remains a little known horror gem for fans of witchery.

The plot centres around an unsatisfied middle-aged housewife who falls into witchcraft, which is the 'hip' new thing in her circle of friends. The film was originally titled Hungry Wives in the US, and Jack's Wife in the UK. This is actually very telling, as the story is really one of a woman's loneliness as search for meaning outside of her role of wife and mother.

Why you should watch it: It has a pretty decent coven initiation scene, what with the nudity and cords and scourge. It also has a few things to say about the mainstreaming of the occult.

And the hair and fashion is faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar out, man.


Black Death:

Speaking of Nick Cage... fuck that guy.  This is like a GOOD version of the recent Season of the Witch. The motherfucking bubonic plague, Sean Bean as a badass with a sword (hey, he plays it well!) a necromancer, and a conflicted priest. The movie is violent as hell and just as bleak.

It concerns a group of witchfinders sent to investigate a village that is miraculously free of the plague. Once there, they find that all the villagers have turned their backs on god... and seem to have been rewarded.

Why you should watch it: Sean Bean! Guys get hacked up with swords! THE PLAAAAAAGUE!


Alright... on that note, I guess we can't ignore the elephant in the room any longer... the just plain WRONG remake of The Wicker Man. The original is a near-perfect classic that's a blend of "what the fuck, is this a musical?" with outright unease, a favourite among horror fans and neo-pagans alike. The remake?

The remake is like if your mom died and your dad married a crack whore and they had sex on your mom's grave. WITH BEES. It is one of the single most misogynistic films I have EVER seen, and the fact it was made so recently makes me sick.

Also: BEES.

Goodnight, everybody.