Monday, November 18, 2013

A Break-Up Letter to Marilyn Manson

Hey, Manson. Come on in. Have a sit-down.

Look, I know we go back. Way back, to the 90s back. Mom bought me Antichrist Superstar for Christmas, and I loved it. You weren't my favourite - Nine Inch Nails won my heart first, but you tried to woo me away. Hell, the Guns, God and Government tour was a pretty good argument for "but he's a better LIVE performer."

Speaking of, I saw you in Vancouver this year. Every time you humped the floor, I thought you just really, really wanted a nap. You played for an hour and fucked off, and yes, apparently you were ill but mostly I think that it's the fact that you're fucking forty-five or something now. Don't get me wrong, I had fun. I laughed a lot. But I was also sure to point out to anyone I told about the concert that I'd gotten in for free.

I didn't know any of your new songs. I tuned out from your career about the time you wrote your "I broke up with Dita von Teese" record. Then I heard you were dating the LITTLE GIRL FROM PRACTICAL MAGIC and I went, "oh, ew." I also felt old since I realised the little girl from Practical Magic was old enough to make poor dating decisions. But that's not your fault.

Anyway. Pretty indifferent, it what I want to say.

Then the other day at work while cruising the musical waves on 8 Tracks, I thought I heard you in the background of some shitty song. So I checked the track and yup, there you were. Singing with Avril Lavigne.

Avril, Manson. Avril.

I messaged my sister, who agreed that, yes, you'd finally reached "skeezy old guy" status.

You know, once upon a time it looked like you were gonna wipe the floor with your old pal Trent Reznor. You were doing shit for Resident Evil while Trent was doing terrible songs for Tomb Raider. (Ugh, Deep.) You were the big time shock rocker.

But now... Trent looks like someone's uncle, yeah, but maybe that's because he's a friggin dad now. His kids are cute, his wife is talented and smoking hot, and he's got fucking awards for his musical scores.

I'm just saying... I have tickets to NIN on Thursday.  They weren't free.

We'll always have Mechanical Animals, but it's time for me to stop making secret excuses for you.

And take some fucking naps dude, seriously.

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