Monday, July 29, 2013


I lost five pounds in one day without diet or exercise! ASK ME HOW!

...I had it cut out of my boobs in a three hour surgery in a hospital that seems to have very nice staff but severe communication issues! YEAH!

So, Wednesday I arrived at Burnaby general at 6:30 in the morning. my surgery was scheduled for 7:45, but was bumped back to 8:30. So I got to hang out in pre-op in a stunning blue gown and green socks for longer than expected with no reading material, but what the fuck. The guy in the bed next to me sounded exactly like Sean Connery, so that was cool. I managed to get a nurse to tell my mother the time had been changed, since I hadn't seen her after we parted ways at the pre-op check in.

Mom got to come with me to the room they pop you in directly before surgery, where my surgeon Dr. Nelson came in (in very cute shoes - she'd just arrived from home) and marked up my breasts with a magic marker. I was then wheeled in to surgery and knocked out. I remember, vaguely, breathing in four counts because that's just what I try to do when I'm freaked out.

Next thing I know, I'm in post-op. I see my mother talking to a nurse about the parking meter, and so assume we need to leave. I attempt to, fail miserably, take two more T3s and sleep for another hour. THEN I get to struggle into my clothes and hop in a wheelchair, which mom runs out to the car.

Parking, btw, cost like fifty bucks. The wheelchair you also had to pay for, although mom basically stole one with help from the front desk.

Mom got lost, but eventually we made it to her home in Chilliwack. The first thing I did was pee for like, five hundred years. Then I settled into the recliner and popped some more pills and watched terrible television. I slept in the recliner (I couldn't get up, basically) but I would only sleep for an hour, maybe two, before waking. Not out of pain, although it did feel like my nipples were on fire.

The following day I was pretty perky until the nausea set in. I then proceeded to be violently ill until I finally went to bed at around nine thirty at night. I'm talking epic amounts of puke, all while trying not to smash my boobs with the barf bucket. In between my retching, my mother contacted my surgeon's office regarding aftercare as the hospital had provided us with none. The office was quite surprised and annoyed, and e-mailed us an outline.

Next day I was a bit wobbly but otherwise good. Saturday was the Big Reveal; after three days I was allowed to take off the oh-so-fashionable diaper corset thing I'd had put on me after surgery. (I'll post a photo of that stunner later.) I was allowed to shower.

So my mom and I undressed me... and gawped in horror at my lumpy malformed underboob. It realyl does not help when your former-nurse mother is looking at you like you're Quasimodo. Anyway, we both knew this was actually normal as the new breast shape gradually solidifies, but damn was it scary. So, we got me cleaned up (heavenly) put on new gauze and the diaper-corset... and went to the fucking mall.

We'd been told on the third day, I could switch to a soft-cup front-closure bra - a sports bra, basically would be ideal provided it did not require me to pull it over my head. (I'm not supposed to raise my arms over my head yet.) I was determined to get one. It has been years and years since I could shop at a Sears, though, so guessing the size was an adventure. We got some likely sizes for cheap and then we fucked off home.

I've been hanging out now for a few days in my sports bras, trying to keep up some level of activity and not just sit on the couch watching TLC marathons. (No WNTW, though. lame.) I think I should be able to go home tomorrow. I still can't lift anything heavy or raise my arms over my head, so I'll need help but at this point I think I can get by with just occasional assistance from my sister. The underside of my boobs have also gotten less lumpy looking since being kept in a bra and not the diaper-corset.

So. That's been pretty much how it's gone. Not fully healed yet, but already I've noticed a huge difference in my back and neck - even on the ride home from the hospital I noticed a lack of tension and pain. I am not overly bruised, and the pain of my breasts is actually extremely manageable.

So far nothing has happened to make me regret my decision at all. Even the barfing was worth it.

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